Sleep Deprivation Randori

Aikido teaches you to stay calm in the midst of turmoil, to focus on one problem at a time, and move fluidly to the next problem. You learn to do only what needs to be done and move on.

Babies, toddlers, and children teach us that anyone can be pushed to their limit. Some babies aren’t very good at this. They are referred to as “easy babies.” Apparently your chances of getting an easy baby are better than your chance of winning the lottery, but not as high as hitting all green lights on your commute.

I thought that my aikido practice had given me enough experience in staying calm to deal with babies and toddlers, and to some extent, I was right. However, there have been plenty of times when it hasn’t been enough, and my blood pressure, sleep, and overall health have suffered as a result.

Adversity can be instructive though, and here’s what I’ve learned. The meditation side of aikido is underrated. The Zen practice of being fully aware, yet able to acknowledge and let go of things at will, without preconceptions or expectations, is a real source of strength.

Das Eksperiment

Case in point. Our daughter often interrupts our sleep. I won’t go into the mundane details, because this isn’t about how to correct the problem. Believe me, we’re working on it, with some success. But it happens nonetheless. It’s very common to have this problem with babies and young children. Almost as common as having them in the first place.

Sometimes I do not have to get out of bed. Sometimes I have to get up. Sometimes my wife does. Sometimes both of us. Sometimes I have to get up repeatedly, several times, at the worst possible points in my sleep cycle. The effect is like being one of those rats in a psychology experiment where rewards and punishments are random, so the rat eventually develops nervous ticks. It’s pretty cruel. And we’re on the receiving end.

No matter how bad the night though, I’ve found that things go infinitely smoother if I manage to stay in a Zen state of mind. I have to let go of the desire to get back to sleep, yet prepare for it at the same time. I have to stay engaged with my daughter, no matter what her state, in a positive way, and not attempt to force a predetermined solution.

Randori

Randori, the aikido practice of dealing with multiple attackers, works this way. You need to deal with the attacks. But it is set up in such a way that you do not control when the attacks end. And you cannot “take out” the attackers. It’s aikido. You can only dodge, unbalance, and throw them. True, you can “throw” someone with a punch, or give them a particularly hard fall, or propel them far from you, but they are going to get back up and come at you again.

Suppose you took an aggressive approach to randori. Enter vigorously into each attack with a solid punch in the face, hurling your attackers away. Might you be disappointed when they roll with the punches and come back up to attack? Might that disappointment and frustration weigh on you? What about all the energy you’ve expended attempted to overwhelm them?

Suppose one of the attackers succeeds in scoring a punch, tackling you, or otherwise exposing a vulnerability in your technique. Should you let dismay wash over you? Does that mean the gloves are off and it’s time for some payback? Is the randori over? No. No. And No.

Randori doesn’t work if you are trying to finish or win the game. It actually works better when you are trying to keep things going, like a volley in tennis. You acknowledge that you are in a randori, and it doesn’t bother you that the attacks keep coming. Eventually some attacks will succeed. That is what is supposed to happen. It’s a learning experience.

The Zone

This is the mindset you must often take with children. Do not try to absolutely control (get back in bed now!), but enter with a loose plan (get her back to sleep), blend with the other person (are you thirsty?, upset?, does your tooth hurt?), and be prepared to change tactics on a dime (you said you needed a blanket, but that doesn’t seem to be the case, can you tell me what’s the matter?).

Whatever happens, you must not focus on the fact that you’ve been cheated out of a good night’s sleep. You’re already awake. That is no longer in your control. And the more pissed off you feel about it, the worse your eventual sleep will be.

Consistency is important, but again, this isn’t about the actual child-rearing tactics. Plenty of books and blogs can give you tactics. I’m writing about a strategy for staying calm.

Sun Tzu said you cannot force victory, you can only prepare for it. This is the mindset. You have a plan, an agenda, a goal, but your emotions (and actions) do not need to be chained to it. Ultimately, at the end of the encounter, if you have remained calm, it is that much easier to get back to what you needed to be doing.

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